


as today i know im living but tomorrow could make me the past

by hypothymia



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicide, i may or may not have cried while writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-08 01:39:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4285752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypothymia/pseuds/hypothymia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>All I do is lay in bed all day and stare at the ceiling now. I try to keep my eyes open as much as possible because when they are closed I see you behind my eyelids and I start to hear your giggle and feel your arms around me and those thoughts start tearing away at everything that I am and burning every part of my being as if the thoughts are made of acid and Louis, soon I will be nothing but skin stretched over bones and I pray that you don't blame yourself because I promise that it is not your fault.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>or, the one where harry and louis split up years ago and harry is maybe completely falling apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	as today i know im living but tomorrow could make me the past

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah this is absolutely horrible but ty for reading if you do ??
> 
> title from As by Stevie Wonder
> 
> [Read it in Russian!](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3375067)

_Lou,_

_**December 16, 2018** _

_I started seeing a shrink. They told me to keep a journal. They said to write everything that has been on my mind, but all I could think about was writing of your eyes, Louis. Your eyes that used to stare into mine as we lied together in the middle of the night and your hands that used to attach themselves to mine at every possible moment and your arms that you used to wrap around me when we would watch sappy romance novels and cuddle and your little thumbs that used to wipe away my tears when I desperately needed to be saved. And you did it, Louis. You saved me._

_**December 20, 2018** _

_The house is always quiet without you. I know you haven't been here for quite a few years now, but it still bothers me not hearing you yell at me from across the house and not hearing your laughs as I would chase you down the hallways. I haven't stayed up late playing FIFA since you lived here and I haven't even tried to watch Titanic without you. Everything was always just louder and happier with you and I could never keep a grin off of my face and now forcing a smile seems almost like a chore and it's hard to get out of bed and can you see how broken I am without you, Louis?_

_**December 24, 2018** _

_It's your birthday, Louis, happy birthday! I remember back in 2012, we made love on the night of your birthday all into the morning. Your fingers would rake themselves down my back. It was a pleasurable pain, really, and the more that I think about it so were you. Nothing hurt so much yet still felt as good as you did. Absolutely nothing. You're probably going to do it tonight, too, but this time it won't be with me. It'll be with Nick, just like last year and the year before that and the year before that. Liam said that the two of you now have a kid together? A little girl, he told me. I'm happy for you, I guess. I would love to meet her, but I'm not sure that I could bear to actually see you in person without falling to my knees and begging for you back, and I'm also not sure if you would either welcome me with open arms or slam the front door in my face after yelling all sorts of profanities at me. Most likely the latter._

_**January 8, 2019** _

_I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while, Louis. My mum passed away a little over a week ago. The doctors told me that they weren't sure what was wrong with her, and I can only bring myself to blame God, if he truly exists. I hope he doesn't exist, Louis, because he's doing a shitty job at being a savior._

_**January 10, 2019** _

_Niall called me today, told me that you wanted to send your apologies or something. I don't remember. I wasn't paying attention, Louis, it's so hard to pay attention to_ anything _these days. This is another thing I've finally come to realize, too, that I don't pay enough attention. Maybe if I would've payed more attention to you, you would've stayed and maybe if I would've payed more attention to my mum, she would've stayed, too. I've come to see that it's always my fault. I'm the reason the band split up and I'm the reason Zayn is going to be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his life and I'm the reason that you're with Nick now instead of me, but at least it isn't all bad. At least you seem happy, Louis. I'm broken and my pieces are lost, spread out across the galaxies and I'm missing the magnet that will help me find all of them because the magnet is_ you _, Louis. I am broken and you are unbent and it has always been this way._

_I wish you would've called, boo. I wish you would've called so that I could hear your voice again but deep down I know that it would only crush me and it would probably crush you, too. I know you don't love me anymore and I also know that you probably hate me, but I know that if you heard all of the layers upon layers of hurt in my voice, you would feel guilty. You don't deserve to feel guilty, Louis, so I'm glad you didn't call._

_**January 16, 2019** _

_All I do is lay in bed all day and stare at the ceiling now. I try to keep my eyes open as much as possible because when they are closed I see you behind my eyelids and I start to hear your giggle and feel your arms around me and those thoughts start tearing away at everything that I am and burning every part of my being as if the thoughts are made of acid and Louis, soon I will be nothing but skin stretched over bones and I pray that you don't blame yourself because I promise that it is_ not _your fault._

_**January 18, 2019** _

_I haven't eaten in six days. It seems kind of like a game now, like the header on one of those carnival games that we used to play all the time to win stuffed animals for each other, but the only way you can win this one is if your blood runs cold and your body lies lifeless. 'How Long Can You Go Without Eating Before You're Dead?' the headline would say. I can see it now: the letters would be lined in red and a man would stand behind the booth, a man with a crooked smile and cerulean eyes and tanned skin and scruffy facial hair and all I can think about is you, Louis. You haunt my dreams and my wake and everything that I am and I just hope that you think of me too._

_I hope that I win this game._

_**January 19, 2019** _

_Liam came over today and practically shoved food down my throat. "You've got to eat, Harry," he said, "if you don't eat, you'll die." I used to be so ridiculously terrified of dying, absolutely mortified at the idea of all of the life running out in my own eyes but now dying doesn't seem so scary, Louis. Death seems more as a gift now, and I can't wait until my birthday. Liam told me that he's going to move in with me, that I need to be watched. I don't know why all of this is just now affecting me so badly, why I'm just now barely able to function although we've been split up for years at this point._

_**January 25, 2019** _

_My mum's funeral was today. Everyone around me was crying. Gemma was an absolute mess, dropping down to her knees in front of mum's body and sobbing for her to come back, but I didn't shed a single tear. I don't know what's wrong with me, Louis. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I just couldn't stop staring at the sun. "Anne was a good woman," they said. They were right, Lou, she was so good and she didn't deserve what happened to her just like I never deserved you. They all prayed to this so called God, but I prayed to the sun, prayed for it to come crashing down onto me and to just end everything. I_ screamed _at it in my thoughts, willing it to come down and burn me alive, skin and bones and all. I guess it answered me, Louis, because at that moment I felt every single ounce of human emotion melt out of me like chocolate oozing out of a candy wrapper on a scalding hot day._

_**January 27, 2019** _

_Having to share this house with someone other than you really sucks, Louis, because I just can't stop thinking that it's you here instead of Liam. When I wake up and I smell the breakfast cooking in the kitchen from my bedroom, I rush out from underneath my covers and run to meet you because I just_ know _that it's you. I know that it's you in the kitchen, cooking pancakes for me like I used to do for you. You would always claim to be a better cook than me, but we both know that the only reason you ever learned how to cook was because of me. And now you probably cook for your daughter and you probably cook for Nick and you probably cook for your mum and maybe I have done at least one good thing in this miserable life of mine._

_**February 1, 2019** _

_It's my birthday, Louis, happy birthday to me! Niall called and told me that he hoped I would have a good day, but I didn't really say anything back to him. It's a bit hard to talk to people these days. Your name never came up. I guess you just forgot my birthday, but that's okay. Even if you did forget mine, I promise that I remember yours. How could I not? Remember when I was talking about how everything is my fault? Sophia broke up with Liam a few days ago. She said that he spends too much time with me and not enough time with her and it just feels horrible, Louis. I've destroyed so many happy things in this world and I've taken away precious things and why is he even willing to save me at this point? I am a lost cause and the sooner Liam realizes it, the sooner he can actually live a happy life like he's supposed to._

_He made me a cake today, Louis, like you used to when we were a lot younger, and he got down onto his knees in front of me and he begged me to look at him or talk to him or to just do_ something _. "Movemovemovemove," he cried, wrapping his arms around me and soaking my blue shirt in his tears. Blue. Blue like the color of your eyes. I love you, Louis, and I miss you._

_**February 14, 2019** _

_I haven't written in a while. Hi, Louis, today is Valentine's Day! I want to be happy and I want to smile and I want to bake little heart shaped cupcakes with Liam, but my legs just won't let me get out of bed for some reason. I don't know if you even remember, you probably don't, but today is the day I lost my virginity to you, Louis, eight years ago. It's shocking to think of how long it's actually been and it's shocking to think that you probably took Nick's virginity too and you probably took his heart just like you took mine, but the difference is that you hold his heart close to your own. You cradle his heart in your arms and you kiss it and mend it and whisper sweet nothings to it but what about my heart, Louis? What about my heart that's glued to the bottom of your shoes? What about my heart that you continue to step all over and rip apart? It's not your fault, of course. As I said, I'm glued to the bottom of your shoes so you can't see how much you hurt me everytime you take a step forward and it's my fault, really, because I'm the one that attached myself to you when you weren't even paying the slightest bit of attention. It's my fault, just as it always is._

_**February 15, 2019** _

_Please call me, Louis. Please call me or come see me or send me a card or something. Please._

_**February 17, 2019** _

_My arms hurt and my eyes hurt and my throat hurts and my cheeks are just so wet and all I see is red and all I know is that I miss you._

_**February 18, 2019** _

_Hi, Louis, I'm in the hospital. The nurses stuck this tube thing into my arm, and it scared me because I thought they were going to hurt me, but they're actually very nice! I'm not scared of being hurt though, Louis, because back when we first started dating you promised me that you would always protect me and I know that you weren't lying because you_ never _lied to me. Maybe I'm ignorant for actually believing you though, because you seem to be the only thing I actually need protection from. It's not your fault. Liam was in my room with me earlier but we didn't speak to each other at all. He just sat in the chair across the room and sobbed with his knees pressed up against his chest and he kept mumbling something about almost losing me and I was screaming his name but I don't think he heard me, Louis, because he never answered. Why won't anyone answer?_

_**February 21, 2019** _

_They say that the world is going to end in ten days, that's what they told me. Between you and me, Louis, I don't think the world is actually going to end. It reminds me of back in 2012 when everyone thought that the world was going to end in December and us and the boys were all huddled up together on the couch, waiting for the sun to burn us alive or a nuclear bomb to go off or just something. We were waiting for our death that day, and I really wish that I would've known back then that in seven years, that's what I would be doing every day: waiting around until my last breath._

_**February 22, 2019** _

_Nine days now, Louis._

_**February 23, 2019** _

_Eight days. I'm not scared._

_**February 24, 2019** _

_Seven days, and frankly, I don't care if the world ends._

_**February 25, 2019** _

_Six days. Let my death rain down on me._

_**February 26, 2019** _

_Five._

_**February 27, 2019** _

_Four days, Louis, and I take back what I said about not caring because I just remembered that you have a little girl and as much as I envy her for being able to hug you and kiss your cheek and laugh with you, I still want her safe, Louis, because she's only a_ kid _and what if things had gone differently and she was actually_ my _kid like I wish for daily?_

_**February 28, 2019** _

_Three days left!_

_**March 1, 2019** _

_Two days and the bathroom floor is stained red once again but I don't think Liam will catch me this time._

_**March 2, 2019** _

_Tomorrow, Louis! Tomorrow is the day and I am so excited and so ready but I am also so broken and sad because you don't deserve to die, nobody deserves to die except maybe me._

_**March 4, 2019** _

_Maybe God does exist, Louis, because the world wasn't eaten by the sun yesterday like everyone had expected. Everyone is happy except for me. Why must God punish me like this? I know I've fucked up so much in this short life of mine but I just want it to end before I can fuck up some more and God can't even grant me enough mercy to end it._

_**March 18, 2019** _

_Liam cried again today. He seems to cry everyday and it always seems to be about me and there's nothing I can do because he doesn't even seem to hear me anymore and I am such a horrible person, Louis, a horrible,_ horrible _person and why did you ever love me?_

_**March 20, 2019** _

_I thought I woke up to an earthquake today, Louis, because Liam was above me and shaking my shoulders as his tears fell onto my face and I guess he thought that I wasn't going to wake up because he was screaming for me to get up and I got happy because I thought it was you. I was positive it was you, Louis, because when we used to live together you would always wake me up by pouncing on me and licking my face and I used to find it annoying but now that you're gone and I'm alone I miss it and I wish you were back here. When my eyes shot open so that I could see you once again, I saw that it was Liam and I think that I started crying because my cheeks felt wet and Liam wrapped his arms around me and told me that it was okay but, Louis, it wasn't okay. Nothing is okay without you. I kept asking him why he had to shake me awake but I don't think he heard me because he never answered my question._

_**March 21, 2019** _

_I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I miss you so fucking much and every second without you feels like every single organ of mine is being pulled out slowly and crushed with some sort of heavy machine and I love you. Please come back to me._

_**March 22, 2019** _

_You came to visit me yesterday, but you didn't look like you do on the family postcards you've sent Liam. You still look young, like you did when we were together! When we went to sleep last night, you lied with me and wrapped your arms around my waist from behind just like you used to do although I'm much bigger than you are, now. Liam says that I'm lying, that you didn't actually come last night but I_ know _you came, Louis. I know you came because we were cuddling on the couch and Liam was in the chair across from us and you and I were joking with each other loudly so I don't know why he says you weren't there, Louis. He didn't look over at us even once. Maybe he couldn't hear us. Nobody seems to hear me anymore, but that's okay, because you promised that you would come back and see me on the 25th._

_**March 26, 2019** _

_You never came, Louis. You never came and I think I cried because I remember seeing your face outside of my window and I remember seeing you walk out of the bathroom and I just remember seeing you, Lou, but you didn't see me. You didn't see me or talk to me and I don't think you saw Liam either because you didn't murmur a word to either one of us. Can you not see how much you mean to me, Louis? Can you not see how utterly and completely broken I am without you and how much I absolutely_ need _you?_

_When I asked Liam why you never spoke to us, he didn't answer._

_**March 28, 2019** _

_Tonight's the night, Louis. I wasn't exactly sure how to do it at first but I found a rope in the shed out back and there's this tall tree next to it so I think that's how I'll do it. I've already tied the rope around the branch of the tree and I think that I'm ready, Louis. I just want you to know that even though you left me I have never stopped loving you, not even for a single second, Louis, because you were everything to me. And I wish the stars had eyes so that they could see how beautiful you really are because they would be so jealous of how you outshine them so brightly. I love you, I just can't do this without you anymore. Maybe if I wouldn't have fucked everything up and maybe if you were still by my side, it wouldn't have happened this way, but that's just how it is, Louis. That's just how it is and I love you._

_My hands are shaking and I know that I said that I wasn't afraid of death but now that it's staring me in the face I could not be more terrified. I'm pretty sure that I'm crying because the paper is wet and my cheeks feel hot and I am so sorry if you can't read this and I am so sorry for what I'm about to do and I am so sorry for everything that I've done, Louis. But this is what has to happen. That's just how it is and I love you._

_-H x_

**♡**

The sky was a dark shade of grey above Louis, a perfect metaphor for his life right about now. Just as everyone had expected, it was raining. Not only from the sky, but from Louis' eyes too. He was perfectly corresponding with the weather, or rather the weather was perfectly corresponding with him, his eyes a dull shade of a blue that was almost black and those eyes showering down tears which would roll past his cheeks and onto the ground. Even when Harry was far gone, Louis still controlled his world.

"Harry," he choked out. It wasn't a loud sob or even a cry, but more of a whimper. His tongue seemed to be tied in the back of his throat and the words that he wanted to say just seemed impossible. Nick wasn't there, of course, but he rather chose to stay at home and watch over Bonnie. 

In Louis' hands he held a letter. A letter which he had crumpled up years ago, deciding not to send it out, but here it was, neatly refolded and gently placed between his fingers. The rain was falling heavily down onto everyone now, but Louis didn't care. His eyes stayed trained on Hary's lifeless body lying in front of him. "You okay, mate?" he heard a familiar voice from behind him, Zayn's voice. He didn't answer. He was sure that Zayn knew how far from okay he was, and he didn't need to talk to him for Zayn to know that, so he stayed silent. He didn't want to be here for the burial, didn't want to see the moon of his life being tossed into a hole and hidden from the world, soon to be forgotten. 

Louis was home alone when Liam came to his flat the day after Harry had last written an entry, his eyes swolen red and his face all hollowed out. Louis' gut clenched as soon as he saw him, worry building up in the pit of his stomach before letting Liam in with open arms, literally. When the words came out of Liam's mouth, they came out as a choked sob and his head was resting on Louis' shoulder. Liam told him that he hadn't gotten Harry to speak a single word for the past few months and that he should've told someone sooner, a doctor or something, anything. He told him that maybe if he would've actually gotten help for Harry, maybe he would've lived. Louis had to act as if he was trying to comfort Liam, when in reality, everything inside of him broke. It was at that moment that Louis felt himself truly crack inside for the first time that he could remember. Flashbacks of him and Harry ran through his mind, taunting him and torturing him and pushing him to this edge that he never even knew he had. 

When Liam had finally left after four hours, Nick and Bonnie still spending time together at the small lake by their house, Louis went on an absolute rampage. He punched two holes in the wall and pulled absolutely everything out of the drawers in his kitchen and out of the drawers in his bedroom and his anger was so blindly led that he didn't even really know what he was doing until he had already caused so much damage, his knuckles red with blood and his cheeks wet with tears. All he could think about was that one time that Harry had gone completely berserk and started throwing things across the room and was only calmed down when Louis wrapped his tiny arms around his waist. 

Louis' feet crunched in the grass underneath him as he slowly took steps towards Harry's body. A sickening feeling filled Louis, causing his stomach to feel empty and his head to spin. 

 _Louis, soon I will be nothing but skin stretched over bones and I pray that you don't blame yourself because I promise that it is_ not _your fault._

The words seemed to be on a constant loop playing in his mind, vibrating through his body and boiling his blood. Harry was wrong. It _was_ Louis' fault. His hands were cracked from how much he'd been wiping at his tears the past few days, and when he was finally standing right in front of Harry, those cracked up hands dropped the cracked up letter that he'd never sent out. The letter that could've changed _everything._

♡

**June 4, 2017**

_Harry,_

_You probably don't want to hear from me. Actually, you might even go as far as to just throw this away without bothering to read it, and I wouldn't blame you. I messed up, Harry, so badly, and I miss you_ so _much and I want you to know that I still love you. I have always loved you. And I know that it may be hard to believe that, but it is so true. I love you I love you I love you. I know that I did a shit job at showing you how much I loved you, but I really, truly did, and I just wished that you still loved me too. Nick's okay, but he isn't you. I like him, but I don't love him, not like I love you. I want so badly to call you and tell you but I think you've blocked my number because the last ten times I tried, you never picked up. Please pick up, Harry._

_I heard this song the other day, bit of an old song, but it reminds me so much of you, so much of us. Here's how it goes:_

Just as time knew to move on since the beginning  
And the seasons know exactly when to change  
Just as kindness knows no shame  
Know through all your joy and pain  
That I'll be loving you always  
As today I know I'm living but tomorrow  
Could make me the past but that I mustn't fear  
For I'll know deep in my mind  
The love of me I've left behind  
Cause I'll be loving you always

_I love you, Harry, and I'll be loving you always. I'll be waiting for you always._

_-Yours Sincerely, Louis_

 

 


End file.
